Communicating

“We are healed of a suffering only by expressing it to the full.”

– Marcel Proust

When some people won’t even say the word “cancer,” how can you begin to talk about it – how it makes you feel, what your fears are, how your life has completely changed? Here are some general guidelines. It's best to be honest. Be bold and specific, when possible. Say the words out loud that are hard to say. Use “I” statements to express how you feel (for example, “I'm afraid to say the word cancer because it seems to make you upset”). Shyness, not knowing what to say, and fear are all common reactions when dealing with metastatic cancer. You can and should revisit difficult topics. Since well over 60% of our communicating is non-verbal, take special note of your body language, eye contact, and what words and topics you avoid when you talk about metastatic cancer. Also, take time to listen, not just talk.

Children are smarter that adults think. They can tell when parents are fearful, and they will fill in the gaps often with wrong information (such as blaming themselves for their parents’ sickness). As you talk with them, ask them to repeat what you’ve said in their own words to correct any misinformation. Watch how they play for clues about how they’re understanding cancer.

Keep in mind the relationship you have with the person – you might share different information with your partner vs. a more distant friend. Some people will surprise you at how well they can listen. And with others, you may not want to waste your energy. Retelling the details of your treatment can be draining and depressing. Appoint someone to communicate with others, or use a web site, like carepages.com to get the information out. Above all else, don't give up. We all make mistakes and fumble around. Keep trying! These resources have more advice.

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